Bryan’s Journal of Miracles As told by his mom … March 17, 1980 - January 9, 2004

Wednesday, August 9

There have been quite a few signs from Bryan this month but I just haven't had the time to log them all in ... mainly because I've been working diligently on Amberly's new website (AdorableBasket.com  ... please pay her a visit ;-)  )   and haven't been able to do much else.  But I've jotted them down and I'll try to recap them all briefly ...

I was out by the pool and a butterfly flew across the yard and lighted on an evergreen tree we had.  It looked like one of the Painted Lady butterflies that we had released here, so I went to get my camera to take a picture of it.  When I came back out, I was very careful to stay far away from him so as not to frighten it off.  My camera has a zoom, so I was about 20 feet away and was just zooming in when, all of a sudden, it flew off the tree and directly at me!  I was looking at it through the lens but lowered the camera as it flew toward me.  Unfortunately, I was not fast enough to capture it on film.  Anyway, it flew directly to my face, stopped about 3" in front of me, then veered off and flew up over the trees.  I was so shocked I almost dropped the camera.  The way it flew from the tree to me in a direct line, without fluttering around as butterflies do, really surprised me.  I felt strongly that Bryan had a hand in it.

When Kristen and Cris were here swimming a few days ago, Kristen relayed a story to me about Bryan.  She just moved here from Lancaster at the end of July.  When she was driving here on the turnpike, she was understandably feeling very sad about leaving home and moving to a strange city.  She suddently noticed a hawk flying in a circle over her car.  Knowing about all the signs Bryan gives us -- and having experienced several herself in the past -- she thought of him and felt that he was trying to make her feel better.  Shortly after that, she saw a billboard with the name "Amberleigh" on it which made her think of Amberly.  And shortly after that, a song came on the radio that really grabbed her attention ... the words in the song repeatedly mentioned "still missing someone" and about their "blue eyes."  At this point, she KNEW Bryan was letting her know that everything would be ok and she felt better.  She never met Bryan in life, but I believe Bryan has reached out to her from beyond to acknowledge his "other sister."

The other morning, I was driving to work and got stuck behind a car turning left to get out onto the highway from our house.  I have to go right, and traffic can be very bad there.  For a right turn, it's a piece of cake.   But if you get behind a left turner, you can wait forever.  There is an alternate way to go that puts you out at a red light, but I don't like to go that way because I may not get stuck behind a left turner at the other way out.  I hope this is making sense and I'll explain where I'm going with this.  Bryan used to always chastise me about going the way I do ... he would always go to the light.  Several times when we were both leaving at the same time and going to my shop, he would go his way and I would go mine just to see who would win.  It was usually a toss-up.  Anyway, the other morning I waited and waited and the person wouldn't move up enough so that I could squeeze through and get out.  By the time I did get out, I was pretty frustrated as I was late for work.  The church where Bryan is buried is right there between where I turn and where the light is and as I went by, I felt Bryan's presence and heard him calming me down and then -- as clearly as if I heard him -- he said ,"I always told you to go the other way!"  It put a smile on my face and soothed my temper.  Immediately thereafter, my eyes were drawn to the license plate in front of me.  The numbers were 1709 (his date of birth/date of death).  Another way of him letting me know he was with me.  As I drove on, another car got in between me and the 1709 car.  But when I tried to find it again, I couldn't.  I passed the one in front of me and even a few others, but I never saw that license plate again.  Very strange ...

A few days ago, Kristen and Cris were here swimming. When I came out, they asked me to guess how many butterflies I had in the backyard (referring not to live butterflies, but to the myriad butterfly objects I have all over the yard). I guessed 38. Laughing, they told me I had 80! They said they had counted and doublechecked and that there were 80 exactly. What's so special about 80? Bryan was born in 1980. They realized that and were surprised by it. I never counted, so it wasn't intentional. But it is amazing that there were exactly 80. So now I can't add any more! If you would like to see pictures of the pool area that shows some of the butterflies, just go to Our Swimming Pool (finished).

Yesterday I was sitting in the pool and talking to my mom on the phone.  She had just had a scare at the emergency room and was letting me know that she was ok.  As we started our conversation, I was startled as a hawk swooped down right over my head -- literally about 10 feet over me -- and flew the length of the pool and then up and over the deck.  I have never seen a hawk come down to the pool area and it started me so that I yelped into the phone.  When mom asked me what was wrong, I told her a hawk had just dive-bombed me.  Then I realized that Bryan was telling her hi and that he was glad she's ok.  So I shouldn't have been surprised ... he always loved his Grandma!

Mike and I were sitting out by the pool late last night.  It was dark and we had the waterfall and the fiberoptic lights on, it was very still and quiet and very peaceful.  As I sat there, I began thinking of Bryan and got very sad.  As tears came, I told Mike how much I missed him.  He said that before Bryan was taken by his addiction, he was such a great kid.  All at once, a really strong wind came out of nowhere and the chimes up on our deck -- which are heavy and take a very strong breeze to ring them -- began to ring madly.   The wind was really strong -- our 50 foot pine trees were bending over from it!  We both exclaimed about it and were like, "where did THAT come from?"  It lasted about 10 seconds and then stopped as if someone turned off a switch.  There wasn't so much as a puff of wind blowing ... everything was perfectly still.  It was like a miniature tornado blew through.  We had absolutely no doubt that Bryan was trying to make me feel better and stop crying ... he is still around.  Even though I know that in my heart, it still doesn't make it easier because I want to be able to see him so badly.

This morning when I went down to the pool, there was a feather lying right in my path.  Just another little hello from Beans.

Friday, August 11

This morning when I awoke, the windows were open and I could hear a hawk's cry very loudly from inside the house.  At first, I didn't think much of it but it went on and on and on.  No matter where I was in the house, I could hear it very loudly.  I finally walked out onto the deck out back and looked up ... there he was, just circling around and crying out continually.  I looked up at him and laughed to myself and told Bryan "good morning" ... and then he turned and flew off.  I swear Bryan was just making him wait for me to come out ... I had heard him calling for at least 15 - 20 minutes and after I went out and looked up at him, he left and didn't come back!

A few days ago, Amberly and I both went in for eye exams.  When the glasses came in, Amberly picked up both hers and mine and dropped mine off at the house for me.  My eyeglass case was covered with little cats ... which was really neat because my nickname is "Kat" and I have lots of things with cats on them because of that.  And Amberly's case had dolphins on it, which she also happens to have a vast collection of and a particular affinity for anything related to dolphins.  I assumed she had picked out our cases but, when I asked her, she said that she had NOT picked them out ... our glasses were in these cases when she went to pick them up.  We both felt strongly that it had to be Bryan ... no way could BOTH cases be a coincidence.  Tonight I had to go back over to have my glasses straightened and I asked the gal what made her select those cases for us.  She said she just thought we would like them and she didn't really know why she picked those particular ones.  But we know who REALLY picked them ... Bryan!

Monday, August 21

Today is a sad day for us.  We had to have Sandy, our yellow lab, put to sleep last night.  Other than losing Bryan, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life.  She was the best dog -- the best friend -- I could have had.  She's been my constant companion for ten years, coming to work with me every day and never leaving my side.  But she had reached the point where she just couldn't function any more the way she wanted to be happy, so we really had no choice as we certainly didn't want her to suffer.  We had all prayed to Bryan and asked him to give us signs to let us know we were doing the right thing.  We were not disappointed ... the signs we received have been many and are still coming.  I'll try to remember as many as possible and write them down here so we don't forget ...

The night before (Saturday night/ Sunday am), Amberly was awakened at exactly 3:17 and felt Bryan was lettting her know everything would be all right.

On Sunday afternoon, Sandy was resting comfortably on a blanket in our entryway.  Moses (our cat) was curled up with her.  Ruthie came to visit her and bring her a treat.  As we were sitting on the floor by the door, I mentioned to Ruthie that I was really hoping to get a sign from Bryan so that I would know he was with Sandy.  I felt like he was near but I really wanted a tangible sign. No sooner had I said that than we heard a loud thump ... it sounded as if someone had banged on the front door or dropped some object onto the cement.  We both heard it ... we looked around the floor inside and there was nothing.  I then got up and opened the glass storm door and there was nothing out there.  As I sat back down, I looked one more time outside and there -- on the very bottom of the glass in the corner closest to where Sandy was -- was a little butterfly!  I showed it to Ruthie and we both started crying.  She even said it was like Bryan had knocked on the glass to get our attention.  I believe he did as there was NOTHING else in the area that could have made that sound and we BOTH heard it.  I took a picture of the butterfly and a picture of Sandy on her blanket.  Here they are ...

   
Click on images for super close-ups

On Sunday, we had Sandy out on the back deck where she could be comfortable and be near us as we had dinner.  The vet (Julie) was coming to the house at 7 p.m., so we knew we didn't have much time with her.  All afternoon, the chimes on our deck rang like crazy.  There was a gentle breeze but these are heavy chimes and don't ring unless there is a pretty strong wind.  But they rang all day today ... even with just a slight breeze.  It reminded us of when Bryan passed and he rang the chimes on our front porch so beautifully with no wind at all.   We began hearing a hawk calling out, so we looked up and there it was, hovering right over our deck!  It didn't move at all but just stayed there suspended over us for about a minute or more before it glided away.  Moments later, we heard it again and when we looked up this time, it was again hovering in the sky but it dipped its wings up and down several times as if it were waving at us.  We were all just mesmerized by it!  There is no doubt Bryan was letting us know he was there and watching over everything.  It made us feel much better.

Almost immediately after Sandy had gone, Amberly went downstairs to find a blanket to wrap her up in.   On her way back upstairs, she heard distinctly Bryan's voice calling "Luby Lou!  Luby Lou!" as he used to call Sandy (nickname for Sandy Lou).  She said she knew right away that she was hearing Bryan calling Sandy and that she had made it to him.  She has only heard his actual voice one other time since he passed and that was the very day he died.  Since then she has felt his thoughts and he's communicated to her and through her, but not in his actual voice.  This time she heard his voice and it made her feel very happy and peaceful knowing that he and his precious Sandy were together again.  If you remember back when Bryan first passed, Sandy didn't eat for three days.  She mourned him in her own way and used to go into his room every night and sit by his bed.  Sandy had bad hips and couldn't jump up on his bed but when Bryan was alive, every night she would go in there before bed time and he would boost her up on the bed to visit with him for a while.  After he died, she would still go in there and on several occasions, I would find her UP ON THE BED!  When I tried to follow her and sneak peak to see how she was getting up, I never was able to see it.  She would simply be sitting there on the floor next to his bed as if she were waiting for him.  But nothing would happen while I watched.  If I would walk away for 10 seconds and go back, she would be up.  I guess I wasn't meant to see a dog floating through the air up to the bed ... I probably would have had a heart attack!  But I know that Bryan's spirit lifted her up.  There's no other way she could have gotten there.

After Sandy had passed, Mike and I had to go with Julie to the vet hospital to help carry her inside.  We planned to have her cremated and she weighed close to 60 lbs., so Julie couldn't handle her alone.  On the drive down, I was crying (as I had been almost all day) and suddenly I saw a vision in my mind of Bryan and Sandy together ... Sandy was running and jumping in circles around him as Bryan called out Sandy Lou, Sandy Lou!.  I clearly heard his voice and heard her barking and felt their happiness.  It lasted only a split second, but I believe I was allowed to see behind the veil for that brief instant to put my heart to rest.  It actually made me laugh out loud!

When we arrived at the vet hospital, after we took her inside and laid her down, Mike went to wash his hands.  I heard several birds singing but didn't think too much of it ... after all, it WAS a vet hospital and they do minister to birds there, so I assumed they were behind the door next to me.  When Julie came back, I mentioned to her that there were some happy birds there.  She looked at me kind of funny and said there weren't any birds staying there right now. When I heard them again, I said to her, "Don't you hear them? They're right in here!" pointing to the door where I thought the birds were coming from.  At that point, she really looked at me strangely and said, "I don't think so ..." and opened the door to show me ... a utility closet with a furnace!!!  And I could still hear the birds singing.  Julie then told me maybe I was hearing the birds outside.  However, I know the difference between outside birds and birds like I have (cockatiels) that sing songs, not just idle chirping.  I was hearing songs.  I really felt in my heart that I was hearing a piece of heaven and where Sandy now was ... in a meadow with Bryan with birds singing all around.  It was an awesome feeling to realize that ...

After Cris and Kristen got home, they called me to share a sign that they had received.  As they were walking up the steps to their house, there was a perfect swallowtail butterfly lying next to their sidewalk.  It wasn't alive but just lying there waiting for them to find it.   Kristen said she knows it wasn't there when they left the house because they would have definitely seen it where it was laying.   Knowing it was their sign from Bryan to comfort them, they saved the butterfly for me.

Monday morning ... I went out on the front porch with my coffee and really was missing Sandy.  Just yesterday she had been out there with us, so I was feeling especially sad remembering that.  But then I looked up and saw a little butterfly up by the door.  And another butterfly on one of the pillars!  TWO butterflies!  Bryan and Sandy!  Butterflies on our porch were a constant occurrence the first year Bryan passed.  In fact, we had a butterfly on our porch or door every single day that entire first summer.  Last summer we didn't have nearly as many and this summer, almost never.  The only rare occasions now when I see a butterfly on our porch is when I'm missing Bryan especially much or when we've had some bad moments with Sandy's illness.  So to see two of them this morning was a definite sign for me.

This morning when Mike was on his walk, he saw a feather floating down through the air.  He didn't feel he should run after it but felt it was a message of some sort and to stay alert for a sign from Bryan and Sandy.  Not far after, he saw a feather lying in the middle of his path.  And a little further on, a second feather!  He saved both to bring back to me.  Now Mike walks this trail 350 days a year and does the same loop several times a day.  Since losing Bryan, he is very aware of feathers and signs and has only found a feather once or twice in the entire 2-1/2 years since Bryan's passing.  And finding two of them was a sure sign to him that Bryan wanted him to know they were together.  Very cool! 

To all of you who knew Sandy, please say a prayer for her.  She was truly the best pet I've ever owned and I didn't realize you could love an animal as much as I loved her.  I will miss her forever!  I do take comfort in the fact that she is with Bryan and that I will someday see and be with both of them again.  Here is a cute picture of her in better days:

Click on image to enlarge

When I arrived at work on Monday afternoon, I always go in from the back and open the front door from inside.  when I opened the door today, I was amazed to find a perfect white feather about 6" long lying right in the middle of the doorway.  White feathers are not a common occurrence in Canonsburg ... we have PIGEONS!  Not doves ... at least no dove that I have ever seen and I've never seen a white pigeon.  But this feather was snow white with not a single trace of another color on it.  I knew it was a sign from Bryan and Sandy and picked it up to keep.

Tuesday, August 22

Well, once again when I went out this morning with my coffee, there were two butterflies on my front porch.  I find this especially odd since there have not been any for so long and now two days in a row!   And I have noticed another strange thing ... since the other night when the hawks were hovering over our house, I haven't seen or heard a single hawk.  For months now, hawks have been all over our neighborhood calling out all the time and flying over the house.  I can hear them from inside they are so loud!  And since Sandy passed, they have been absent.  This in itself is kind of a phenomen because I'm so used to hearing them.  Maybe Bryan is too busy with Sandy right now to be sending us hawk signs ...   :-)

I took a really cute video of Sandy and Moses the day before she left us.  Moses always loved Sandy and would constantly snuggle up to her and lick her face and ears and flip around trying to get next to her.  If you would like to see this video, click here.  You will need Quick Time installed to view it.  Enjoy!

Wednesday, August 23

Wow!  I had a visit from Sandy last night!   Right before falling asleep, I prayed to Bryan as I always do each night but last night I asked him to please let me know that Sandy was ok.  That was my last thought before I fell asleep.  During the night, I had a dream visit that was so real ...  I had my arms around Sandy and she was healthy and happy and her fur felt so soft.   It was so vivid and real and I knew that she had died because I said to her, "Sandy!  You're back!  I'm so happy to see you!"  And her tail was wagging and she looked young again and vibrant and just so HAPPY.   I was hugging her really tight and there wasn't anyone else there although I could sense someone off to the side but couldn't put a face to them.  Then suddenly I awoke.  I knew immediately that I had really been with Sandy ... I could still feel her in my arms.  It was so absolutely real that I know it was a visit.  I believe Bryan "lent" Sandy his energy to allow her to come through to me.  It was very brief but very intense.  When Mike woke me in the morning to tell me he was leaving for golf, the first thing I said to him was that I saw Sandy.  It was really amazing and I am so grateful for the experience. 

Follow-up ... still no hawks.  It's like they've completely disappeared!  I was home all day and the doors and windows were open and normally I hear them calling out all day long.  There's been NOTHING since Sunday night after Sandy passed on.  I don't know what to make of this other than I believe Bryan kept the hawks around to comfort us .... they really intensified during Sandy's illness.  And now he's busy with her and we don't "need" the signs any more ... because he is with her now.  Maybe I'm reaching, but I'm really wondering what's happened to them.   It's just too weird that they've vanished overnight!

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Note:  If you have a story or experience with Bryan, please email it to me and I will add it to his journal.  These incidents have given our family great peace and joy in knowing that Bryan is still with us, if only in spirit, and will live forever in our hearts.

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