List of those mentioned in the journal:

Mike - Bryan’s Father
Kathy - Bryan's Mom (me)
Amberly - Bryan’s Sister
Cris - Bryan’s Brother
"My Mom" - Bryan’s Grandma Mary
"My Dad" - Bryan’s Grandpa Ray
Sherry - Bryan’s aunt (my sister) who is clairvoyant
Darlene - Bryan’s aunt (my sister)
Debbie - Bryan’s aunt (my sister)
Lori - Bryan’s aunt (my sister)
Sherry S. - Bryan’s aunt (Mike’s sister)
Bev - Bryan’s aunt (Mike’s sister)
Barb - Bryan’s aunt (Mike’s sister)
Kelly - Bryan’s cousin (Darlene’s daughter, my niece)
Joe - Bryan’s cousin (Sherry S’s son who passed away a few years ago)
Jacob - Bryan's cousin (Lori's son)
Mike R. - Sherry’s husband (Bryan’s uncle through marriage)
Connie - my sister who died at birth
Bob & Ruth - Bryan’s Grandma and Grandpa (Mike’s parents, deceased)
Grandma & Grandpa LaGambo - Bryan’s Great-Grandma & Great-Grandpa (Kathy’s grandparents, deceased)
Brooke - Bryan’s high school girlfriend and his first true love
Paul Becker - Lori’s friend from childhood who had been an addict all his life and died in his 40’s
Josh D. - Bryan’s childhood friend
Carol - Bryan’s friend from high school
Marge - my friend
Citte - my friend from California who met Bryan last summer
Chad - Bryan’s childhood friend
Ruthie - Our neighbor and long-time friend
Jessica - Bryan's Friend
Ric - Bryan's Friend
Jason (Jay) - Bryan's Friend
Ed - My business partner and long-time friend

Friday, January 9, 2004

All day, Amberly heard Bryan saying "Peace!" the way he always did. He would say that all the time -- on the phone, at the house, with a deep voice and the hand symbol with the peace motion if he was within your vision.

All day, I heard him calling me "Mamma" in the way that he did with the accent on the second syllable. He would frequently call me this on the phone and in person.

Tonight I was reading some of the messages on the Clayboard (Clay Aiken’s fans message forum on the internet). The screen names of the two messages that I happened to be reading, one right above the other, were from Mamma and Pax (Latin for peace), both versions of the words Amberly and I were hearing all day.

Darlene's Story:    Today I was telling Kelly about some pictures I had of Bryan, Kelly, Amber and Cris at Grandma and Grandpap's house, when they were little.  I told Kelly I would have to find them and make copies for Kathy.   Later that evening, Kelly told me Kathy wanted me to bring them to the funeral home for the picture boards.  I didn't feel up to looking for them that evening as I was too emotional, and I had no idea where to start looking.  I have photo albums and boxes of pictures all over the house, and I had no idea where to start!  There were two sets of pictures I wanted to find, by the swimming pool and pretending to be asleep.   I went to bed and figured I would look for them in the morning.  I woke with a start from a sound sleep at 1:00 AM with the feeling that I had to get up and find those pictures NOW!   I went downstairs where Rod was watching TV and told him I needed him to help me by bringing all the boxes of pictures into the living room so I could start going through them.  He patiently reminded me that I also had boxes of pictures in the garage that I'd forgotten about.  I told him that he would have to get those too.  I then had a feeling that I can't explain ... to look in one photo album on a book shelf in the hall.  I went to it and opened it and there were the pictures by the pool!  Then something told me to start with a box in the living room closet, and the first photo album I picked up I opened right to the page that had the other set of pictures I had wanted!  I couldn't believe my eyes!  What I thought was going to take all night only took a few minutes!  I feel that Bryan led me directly to those pictures.  Thanks Bryan!!

Amberly was smoking on the front porch tonight and talking to Bryan. She asked him for a sign that he was ok and told him she loved him and missed him so much. The lamp post blinked off and on. She said, "Bryan, is that you?" The light went off. She said that the lamp post blinked off and on distinctly in answer to her. She KNEW it was Bryan!

Saturday, January 10

Woke up at 5:58 today. This exact time was on the clock today and tomorrow and might have been on yesterday. Sherry also woke at 5:58 and my mother woke up on Monday at 5:58. I need to find out the significance of this. The kids used numbers to stand for numbers of letters in words; ie, 1-4-3 stands for I LOVE YOU. So I felt strongly that this number stood for words. My first thought was "Bryan Burch LovesYou" but I don't think that's exactly right. I am distinctly feeling that it is something about Bryan and Love. (Follow-up: On January 15th, Bryan "told" me the signifcance of these numbers. Scroll ahead to the 15th to read ...)

The following phrase from the song Leaving on a Jet Plane was going through my head all night and was in my mind when I woke this morning.

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go
I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’ll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Last night, I was blaming myself and questioning why I didn't do this or that to circumvent Bryan's death. He came to me during the night and repeated many times to me "No, mom, you couldn't stop this. It would have happened anyway. If not now, then another day. No mom ... No mom ... it's not your fault" was the message I received.

Lori had a dream Thursday night about Paul Becker (her friend who passed from heroin addiction two years ago) ... he was "bothering" her and kept trying to wake her up to tell her something. In her dream she opened a door and saw a man in a suit holding a sign saying "Help Me" ... she felt it was Paul telling her he was helping Bryan to get free of this world and move on to the other side.

Sunday, January 11 - Bryan's Viewings This Afternoon & Tonight

Amberly agreed to speak at the church in a eulogy to her brother. Having no idea what she was going to say, as she was in the shower this morning, she received the words from somewhere and ran down to write them down. The words came from somewhere within, but were inspired from above. This is a copy of what she said on Monday at the memorial service:

Beans,

I love you. I’ve always loved you. I know you know that, and I know how much you love me. I never could have imagined or expressed to you the gaping hole in my heart that your passing has left.

Where to start? Well, first of all, I would never belittle you by saying that I understand your addiction. I don’t, and I know you would not want me to. I do know and fully acknowledge the suffering you lived here on earth. It pained me to the depths of my being.

I suffered with you.

Although people may say that you lost the fight against your addiction, I don’t believe that is true. You may have lost your personal battle here on earth with the demons of drug addiction, but I believe your journey begins now. Your strength and courage to beat this disease is needed for your mission on the other side. They need you over there more than we needed you here. I’m sure now you have purpose and will serve the Lord well. Your mission on the other side begins now, though not by my choice. You were chosen for a reason. I know that you are needed there.

Dear God, I will miss you.

Though your physical presence may elude me, I know you will be with me. You promised me you would ­never leave me, and I know you haven’t.

I know that you are at peace now. The demons are gone. I know that your life here was at times a living hell. I am happy that you are now relieved of that.

I will always remember you, Beans, and carry you close to my heart and inside my soul. I will never forget growing up with you. I will never forget the times we shared . . . sneaking to our doorways after bedtime to chat, then hearing the footsteps of Mom and Dad and leaping to our beds pretending to be obedient. I will never forget our many fishing trips and experiences ~ especially "the Biggun" ~ that damn fish taunted us every morning! I could go on forever . . .

But I want you to know that you were and will continue to be my best friend in the universe. I love you. You always made me smile. You are the funniest, sweetest, most sincere man I will ever know. And that, I trust, will fill this gaping hole in my heart.

I love you.

In closing, I would like to read a poem that expresses how our family feels:

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I’d walk right up to heaven
And bring you home again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

This morning, one verse from "Hard to Say I'm Sorry" by Chicago kept going through my mind over and over. The verse was "Hold me now … I really want to tell you I’m sorry. I just want you to know …" I know Bryan is trying to tell me he is sorry for leaving and the hurt this is causing us. I keep telling him that he doesn’t need to tell me he is sorry … we love him and there is nothing to be sorry for.

Right before we left for the first viewing, I had an overwhelming desire to wear something of Bryan’s. I went into his room and was going crazy looking for some piece of jewelry or something to put on. Suddenly I got a message from him, quite clearly, telling me "flashlight". (To digress, last summer he gave me a little silver rocket shaped flashlight with a blue light to clip on my purse. He told me this would be my light in the dark. When I changed purses in the fall, I failed to move the flashlight. He questioned me about this a few weeks ago and asked me if I had lost it. I told him no, it was on my summer purse and that I would switch it. I never did.) So when I got the message to get the flashlight, I flew to my room, pulled out the summer purse, and there was the flashlight. I clipped it onto my pants waistband and clearly heard him tell me in my mind, "I will be your light in the darkness forevermore." I wore it for both viewings and for the memorial service Monday. It now is on my key chain … the blue light looks just like his blue eyes to me.

When we first arrived at the funeral home, I was totally devastated. I went up to Bryan and held him tightly, resting my cheek on his hair. Tears were flowing from me to him and I was praying to him to please help me get through the day. I was shaking and wasn't sure I was going to make it. Suddenly, a warm feeling enveloped me and I felt his strength flowing through me. It was amazing! I truly felt him telling me he was all right and that he would be with me all day and not to worry. Amazingly, this feeling lasted all day just as he promised. In fact, tonight when all his friends were there -- and there were so many! -- I actually "felt" Bryan's jubilation that they had come. I know he had not seen many of them for the last couple of years because of his addiction ... I know he felt ashamed of his drug use and didn't feel comfortable around them. So seeing them all show up and feeling so much love for him made him so very happy. I could feel it! It filled me with joy and I felt he was literally dancing in heaven. All evening I had a feeling of such happiness ... it was as if I was feeling his emotions. It was an amazing experience! Many people wondered how I was holding up so well ... I admit that a few times I had to go back to the casket and hold him again and ask for help one more time ... but I just told everyone it was because of the strength he was giving me. I couldn't have gotten through this day without him.

At the funeral home, Amberly took all Bryan's friends to a separate room and spoke to them about what had happened to Bryan. Those who heard it said it was phenomenal. Amberly doesn't remember what she said ... she felt Bryan was using her to speak to his friends. She even used phrases that were not what she would have said but rather what Bryan said. Such as, "he couldn't wait to get to Florida to check out all the hot chicks." She said when that came out of her mouth, she was shocked because she would never have said that in that way!   A week later, one of his friends told her that he had spoken to Bryan two days before he died and Bryan had said that exact thing to him and he was shocked when he heard her speech and she said that!  (Side note: we are trying to put together this entire talk from those who heard it, so if you were there and can remember, please email us.  Amberly doesn't recall what she said as she says Bryan was speaking through her.).

The following was, in Sherry's own words, what happened to her at the viewing:

Seeing Bryan at the funeral home for the first time after he crossed over was painful beyond words.  We had just spent Christmas eve with him and he was so strong and vibrant. 

My darling little nephew that I loved so dearly and watched grow up to become a healthy, handsome, fun-loving young man was no more.  It seemed surreal.   I wasn't ready to say goodbye, not ready to never see him again.   The pain was unbearable.  Then something miraculous happened.

As I stood there staring at his beautiful face and praying to God to keep him safe, I heard him speak.  I heard Bryan's voice as if he was standing right beside me!  It was a moment I shall never forget.  His voice was happy, confident, matter-of-fact.   He said to me, "I never knew what my purpose was in life but now I have a purpose.  I'm on a mission!"  

In that instant, the pain I was feeling vanished.   A warm, happy glow spread over me and I felt comforted.  I knew that Bryan was still very much with us and that God was keeping him safe! 

My dad told me tonight that he dreamt that Bryan was greeted in heaven by Connie (my sister who died at birth) with open arms. Right behind her were Grandpa Bob & Grandma Ruth, Bryan's Great-Grandma and Great-Grandpa LaGambo, and many other people behind them.

Cris was writing a letter to Bryan tonight to give him tomorrow and Amber brought him the picture taken at Barb's house Christmas night at the same point that he was writing about it (Cris and Bryan had been estranged for about a year due to Bryan's drug use and they began talking again on Christmas and had a great night together).  He was telling Bryan how happy he was that he had broken the ice and talked to him that night because it ended the long silence between them. They had the opportunity to be brothers again and Cris was telling him how much that meant to him. He brought it to me in the computer room to read it to me. In the letter, he was telling Bryan how much he loves him and misses him. As he read, we heard the chimes outside on the front porch below us begin to go off. At first I ignored it, but the chimes began to ring so hard and loud and in a way that I had never heard, and I have heard them through the worst of storms. The sounds and tones they were making were like notes from heaven … beautiful sounds I had never heard them do. They became so loud that Cris stopped reading for a second and we both just listened. That strong sense of Bryan’s presence filled us both and Cris’ face lit up with awe. We both felt Bryan’s elation and joy that his brother was telling him he loved him and missed him. Bryan was SO happy!!! You could just feel it! He finished reading and the chimes continued until he was finished. Then they stopped completely and didn’t make another sound. The night was still with absolutely no wind whatsoever … it was one of Bryan’s strongest visits!

This is the picture Amberly gave Cris while he was writing his letter to Bryan:

Josh D. said he was holding a candle and a chain of Bryan's and thinking about him last night and that Bryan enveloped him with a very warm feeling that came over him and he "knew" it was Beans.

Brooke (Bryan's first love and highschool girlfriend) told us that she dreamt about Bryan on Thursday night and that he had gray hair in the dream. She said the feeling was of reciprocal love and that they would love each other forever. When she found out the next day that he had died during the night, she knew his spirit had stopped by to say one last goodbye on his way to heaven.

Monday, January 12 - Bryan's Memorial Service

This morning, I kept hearing certain phrases from the song "The Way". The verses that I was hearing from Bryan were: "The way that you hold me and the way that you know me … the way that you tease me … the way it makes me feel to see you smile … I feel it in the way …" I believe he was expressing to me and acknowledging the special relationship I had with him and the closeness we felt.

When leaving the church after the service, it was raining. I had the overwhelming feeling that Bryan was telling me the rain was his tears from heaven … that he missed us terribly but was happy, so not to be sad. But that he did miss us too. Something made me tell Mike, Cris & Amber out loud even though it sounded a little silly. This is one of those instances where I am glad I said it out loud because it was validated a few minutes later.  When we arrived at the house, Marge told me that when she was going to the church she passed the funeral home as they were loading the casket into the hearse. She said bye to Bryan and Stevie Ray Vaughn came on the radio singing "The Sky is Crying" and it began to rain. She immediately started to cry and felt Bryan was sending her a message that this rain was his tears from heaven and he was telling her good-bye.  She told me about this when I saw her at the house AFTER church just minutes after I had said the same thing to Mike, Amber & Cris.

As the hearse pulled away from the church, several people heard a loud explosion. Apparently one of the hubcaps had literally "blown" off the vehicle and exploded into two pieces. Since the car hadn’t hit a curb and was barely moving, it was a very weird experience. The boys (pallbearers) and Bryan’s friends immediately had the feeling that Bryan had "kicked" the hubcap off to make them laugh and lighten their mood.  Bryan had a great sense of humor and it is certainly the kind of thing he would do!  Later, one of my friends who had seen it but didn’t connect it to Bryan, said to me, "What on EARTH would make a hubcap DO that? I have never seen anything like that before!" Well, we all knew it wasn’t anything on this earth that did it … it was Bryan. It was meant as a message from him to his friends … they understood it immediately.

When we came back to the house after the service, one of the kids mentioned that they saw a "beer bong" in the weeds by the church. In talking about it to the other kids, they realized that it was actually Bryan’s beer bong that the kids had hidden down there SIX YEARS AGO! It was hidden behind the shrubs and couldn’t be seen until they had been cut back this fall. With the onset of winter, part of it was visible and the one guy saw it today. When they realized it was Bryan’s, one of the boys took off to go get it. At the church, just as he picked it up, nursery school let out. There he was, standing there with a beer bong in his hand and all these little kids and their parents looking at him. He felt that Bryan was teasing him from heaven. He pretended that he was "cleaning up" the church property and muttered, "Damn kids!" to the parents. We all know Bryan was laughing in heaven. The beer bong really was Bryan’s … the words "Funnel of Love" were still visible in black marker on the side. The kids felt that Bryan was reaching out to them with a moment of levity on such a sad day. It lightened their moods immensely as everyone felt his presence and his infectious sense of humor.

Tonight, many of Bryan's friends got together at one of their homes.   Amberly and Cris were invited to go.  The mood was light and they all felt Bryan's presence with them.  Amberly, at one point, felt a suffocating pain and was directed toward a young man she did not know personally.  She felt compelled by Bryan to take him aside, which she did.  Bryan was telling her that this person was suffering from the same addiction that he had suffered with in life and that he wanted her to tell him that he would help him from heaven.  When she told him this, the young man broke down completely.  Amberly didn't even know his name, yet she knew his suffering because of what Bryan had told her.  It was a very emotional moment for both of them.

Later that same night, they all sang songs that had meaning to each of them ... either songs they had shared with Bryan or songs they knew Bryan liked.  Carol copied these onto a cd for many of us.  One song in particular, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", was being heard by my nephew, Jacob, all day today and he didn't even know it was one of Bryan's favorite songs until we gave him the cd!

Ric was invited to the same get-together as the others above but was not feeling up to going. For some reason, he drove past our house and was thinking about Bryan. The song "Closure" came on the radio and he had that overwhelming feeling that Bryan was reaching out to him and telling him to go to the gathering. With tears in his eyes, he drove straight to another friend's house and picked him up to go. They both went and had a great time with all their other friends reminiscing about Bryan and celebrating his life. He believes Bryan had done this to help him find his closure.

Tonight, I called Mike to come home as I was alone and feeling sad. Mike was on his way home and when he pulled into driveway, he was looking at the lamp post and thinking of Bryan when it blinked off and on once, another way Bryan is connecting to us.

Jacob had a dream about Bryan and another boy named Eddy.  In his dream they were about 11 years old.  He didn't know what this meant and he didn't know anyone named Eddy.  A week later, he found out that one of Bryan's closest childhood friends, Josh, was nicknamed Eddy and that's what all the kids called him.  Jacob was astounded that what he dreamt was actually true!  

Barb was missing Bryan and asked him to give her a sign that he was OK.   That same day, she went to deposit her change and tip money from work at the bank and didn't know the total till the bank added it up ... $317!  Bryan's birthday!  Another coincidence?  Not to her ... she immediately got that happy feeling that Bryan had heard her and given her the sign she had asked for.

Tuesday, January 13

This morning, I kept hearing Stevie Wonder's song "You are the sunshine of my life and I will always be around you … You are the apple of my eye … and I will always stay by you … How can so much love be inside of you??" ... it was going through my mind from the moment I woke up.  I told my mom and Lori about it this morning … I believe in telling someone everything that you hear or feel in case it ends up being validated later.  In this case, it was validated in a MAJOR way later today (keep reading to get to that)!  I am so glad I had told them of this because if you don’t and later say it after another coincidence occurs, it makes it less believable.

This afternoon, Mike and I were driving Cris back to school and were listening to Frank Sinatra's Big Band cd (that I made for Cris for Christmas). The day was completely overcast and gloomy, but when we were right by Sherry's house, the clouds opened up and rays of sunshine spread down to the ground encompassing the area from our car to Sherry's house. It was so beautiful I told Mike and Cris it looked just like we could look up into heaven. At that same moment, Frank's voice on the cd sang "Heaven ... I'm in Heaven" I was so shocked and so were they! It was SO obvious!!

A bit later, as we were still driving, I relayed to Mike and Cris that I feel Bryan is reaching us through song and that earlier today, I was hearing Stevie Wonder's song "You Are the Sunshine of My Life".  About 5 minutes later, Frank's voice said on the cd "This song is from me to you" and I had the very strong feeling that it was Bryan telling me the next song was for me, so I was really paying attention and wondering what the song would be. The first two lines were "You are the sunshine of my life ... And I will always be around you" ... the very song I was hearing today!!!  I didn't even know Frank did that song and I didn't know it was on the cd even though I had made it.  Cris then commented that when he heard the first words "This song is from me to you" that it caught his attention and he felt Bryan was telling him to listen.  I had the exact same feeling! Totally incredible!

Kelly told me tonight that Darlene was driving to work and feeling very sad about Bryan and started to cry. She asked Bryan to watch over me and stay with me and give me lots of signs to help me. Then she turned her radio on and got nothing but dead air space. She played with the volume a bit and there was still nothing. Then Sting began to sing "Every step you take ... every breath you take ... I'll be watching you" and felt that Bryan was confirming to her that he WOULD be watching me with every step!

Mike R. had put the King of Hearts card in Bryan's suit jacket at the funeral home to symbolize that Bryan was the king of all of our hearts.  The card was left with Bryan.  When Mike got home tonight, he was too tired to play poker online (which is what he usually does) but something made him do it anyway.  He decided to play "No limit"  which is something he never does.  He ended up winning $250 ... and guess with which card?   You got it ... the King of Hearts!   Another amazing validation!

**********************************************************************************

From Sherry: My Spiritual Messages from Bryan
January 13, 2004, Tuesday

Last night while sleeping, Jesus appeared to me in a dream. He was so beautiful. He wore a purple robe and had beautiful golden sunrays beaming out from him. Surrounding him was a beautiful aura of prismatic colors like a rainbow. The light and colors were breathtaking. He spoke these words and I knew this message was not just for me but for all of us. Jesus said to me, "Bryan is with me. He has embraced the work I’ve given him and is keeping very busy. He may not be able to be with you as much as you would like, but he will always be back soon and often. Your heart need never yearn. I am keeping him."

I was missing Bryan and wanted to be with Kathy and Mike and Amber and Cris, so I went over this morning to take some allergy medicine over for Cris. Kathy and Mike were taking Cris back up to Penn State later in the day. Mom and Lori came over, too. We all sat in the kitchen reminiscing about Bryan and telling stories of connections we’ve had with him since he crossed over. There already have been many so we’re writing them down.

At one point, Kathy was hugging Mother and crying and saying how much she misses Bryan. I was sitting there quietly when I heard Bryan say, "Mom, I’m right here. I’m still here. You just can’t see me. I’ll never leave you. I might not be here every minute, but just like before … sometimes I wasn’t home. I’d go out for awhile and come back. I’ll still come and go the same as before. But I’m always coming home. Don’t worry."

After hearing this, I sat there kind of stunned and thinking I should tell Kathy, but Amber or Lori was speaking so I didn’t say anything. About 30 seconds later, I heard Bryan’s voice say, "Tell my mom, tell my mom."

Lori (or someone) was still speaking. Not wanting to interrupt, I figured I’d tell them as soon as there was a break in the conversation. About 15 seconds later, I heard Bryan again say louder and impatiently, "Tell my mom! Tell my mom!"

At that point, I began to sense that I’d better open my mouth and tell her, so I sat up and got ready to speak at the first hint of a pause in the conversation. No pause came and about 10 seconds later I felt a sudden jolt, almost like someone kicked me! At the same instant Bryan shouted, "TELL MY MOM!" Startled, I blurted out, "Bryan is telling me to tell you something. He is saying he is still here. He’s right here."

Kathy looked at me and asked, "You hear his voice right now?" I wanted to say Yes, he’s kicking me! But not wanting to sound like a loony, I replied, "Yes, he’s saying, ‘Mom, I’m right here. I’m still here. You just can’t see me. I’ll never leave you. I might not be here every minute, but just like before … sometimes I wasn’t home. I’d go out for a while and come back. I’ll still come and go the same as before. But I’m always coming home. Stop worrying.’"

Now feeling pretty conspicuous and rude for interrupting, I thought to myself "Is there anything else you want to say before you kick me again?" I thought this to myself with no intention of communicating with Bryan. So you could have knocked me over with a feather when I heard him say, "Yes, tell my dad about the butterflies."

Dumbfounded, I blurted out, "Oh and Mike this message is for you. Something about a butterfly. Bryan wants me to tell you about the butterflies. I don’t know what this means but he told me to tell you about the butterflies."

Mike said, "Well, it's winter, so I guess I'll have to wait for spring for that one!"

Kathy said, "Honey, it doesn't have to be a live butterfly. Since you were asking him for a sign, he's letting you know that a butterfly will be his sign to you. It may come in a picture or song or whatever. Just watch for it!" (Note: This was validated the NEXT DAY!!! Be sure to read Wednesday's journal entries to see!)

Side Note of Importance:  Mike had been feeling really bad that he wasn't getting any "signs" from Bryan.  As he took his walks  through the Gilfillan Trail, he was asking Bryan to show him a sign.  He first asked for Bryan to show him a groundhog to acknowledge that he was hearing his messages.  When he felt that was too hard, he asked Bryan to show him a hawk.  He came home visibly upset and said he stood and waited for 10 minutes looking at the sky for a hawk to no avail.  He was in tears when he came home.  I told him that Bryan cannot give him what he asks for ... it has to be something Bryan can do and Mike has to be open to whatever that sign might be.  I told him Bryan was probably going crazy showing him another sign but that he was so busy looking for the hawk, he probably missed it.  Bryan managed to let his dad know that the sign he should watch for was a butterfly and he received that message the very next day! And later this month -- on the 25th -- he was able to put the hawk right in front of him!

****************************************************************************

Carol came home from work and noticed that Bryan’s memorial card was on her refrigerator ... she had wanted to put it there but hadn't had the chance to do it yet. She assumed her husband had put it there and thanked him for it, telling him she had meant to do that. He looked at her funny and said he didn’t put it there. She then asked her mother if she put it on the fridge and her mother told her no, she hadn’t even seen the card. When Carol went back to the fridge, she noticed that it was being held up by the beer opener magnet and immediately KNEW Bryan had put it there. She says she got chills all over because there is no other way it could have been placed there except by Beans!

Wednesday, January 14

This afternoon, Amberly and I were looking at old photos at the kitchen table. There was a picture of Joe and Bryan when they were very young and feeling sad because they are now both gone. We were reminiscing about them when the chandelier began to flicker. I thought to myself "No biggie ... don't read too much into this ... it's just coincidence" ... and then the chandelier went completely off. Amberly and I looked at each other and started to laugh. I said "Hi Joe! Hi Bry!" When the light stayed off, I said "Can we have a little light here?" It still stayed off. I went to touch the switch and it came back on just as I got to it. It did not flicker or go off again. I laughingly told Amberly that I ignored the flickering and told myself that it wasn't Bryan and she said she had been thinking the same thing and kept quiet about it. Since we both were ignoring his sign to us, Bryan must have felt he HAD to get our attention and so turned it off completely. It was bizarre! That light has never done that before and hasn't done it since. I have not been able to make the light flicker or go off no matter what I do. Bear in mind that this is a chandelier with two separate bulbs in it ... not just one ... so not an instance of a bulb going bad or burning out. There is no doubt in our minds that it was definitely a sign from Joe and Bryan.

We had been keeping a little purple notebook with records of all the people who had sent flowers or brought food so that we could thank them later.  But we had been unable to find the notebook for the past two days. Both Amber and Mike had privately asked Bryan to help us find the book. I wasn't even thinking about it today but when I went into the kitchen, something lead me right to the sideboard where I opened the bottom door and there was the book. I believe Bryan lead me there in answer to their prayers.

This afternoon, while Mike and I were out shopping, flowers arrived from my friend Citte who lives in Los Angeles.  Amberly called us on the phone and told us "something had arrived that we would NOT believe!"  so we couldn't wait to get home and see what it was.  When we walked in and saw the orchid with TWO HUGE BLUE BUTTERFLIES, we were stunned.  Immediately we recognized the butterflies as the sign Bryan had told Sherry about ... and confirmation that Bryan DID hear his dad talking to him.  These two blue butterflies looked just like Bryan's blue eyes. I can’t describe the joy this gave me and, even moreso, Mike.

Thursday, January 15

This morning I asked Bryan to help me with the significance of the 5:58 number (remember my January 10th entry??)  Very clearly the message came to me "It stands for Bryan Loves Everyone" ... and then he added "and for my friends, it means Beans Loves Everyone" (Like numbers stand for number of letters in a word -- i.e., people say 1-4-3 for I-Love-You …)  So now I know ;-)

This morning, Mike was walking the trail and thinking about Bryan. Something told him that the letter Amberly wrote Bryan several months ago with the Footprints card lead Bryan to looking to God to help him through this. He was using Amberly's Bible to read about God. This further validates the letter we found in his room yesterday that told "us" he was giving himself to God to help him.

Darlene dreamt about butterflies all last night and awoke thinking about the dream. When she went into her kitchen, one of the magnets from her refrigerator was lying in the center of the floor across the kitchen from the fridge. When she picked it up, it was a blue butterfly magnet. Bryan’s way of saying Good Morning!

Friday, January 16

Sherry told me that in the wee hours of the morning, she was really missing Bryan and went into the "dog’s bedroom". She said there is a nightlight in there that is ALWAYS on … it was out. She assumed the bulb had finally burned out. She went over and flipped the switch and jiggled the bulb. It stayed off. She did a few more things in the room and just as she went to leave, the bulb came back on bright. Immediately she felt it was a message from Bryan telling her goodnight. ;-)

On my way to work today, I was feeling very melancholy and sad and really missing him. I was playing a cd that Carol had made for us with all the songs on it that his friends had sung to him at a get-together on Monday night (the night of his service). I cried and told him how I was really missing him and that I felt he was "away" from me today on God’s errands and I felt his loss more deeply. I asked him to please show me a sign that he was still near me -- and that I felt guilty being so greedy but I just missed him so deeply. I looked at the sky and nothing happened. As I was still crying, something drew my eyes to the right of my car. Right beside me was a hearse. I dropped back a bit and the sign on the back window was from the funeral home where he was laid out. There was no funeral procession and no other funeral cars, just this single hearse … right beside me. I clearly heard Bryan’s voice in my head telling me "I’m right beside you Mom." A feeling of joy and peace came over me, my tears stopped. I drove alongside for a few blocks and then pulled away with a smile on my face. Could his message be any clearer than that??

Tonight, I went into the living room by the sofa where he always sat watching TV. His presence is felt so strongly there. I went to turn on the lamp and it did not come on. I jiggled the cord, the plug, and pulled the chain off and on several times. I figured the bulb was burned out, so I unscrewed it and shook it. Nothing … it was fine. I screwed it back in but the light still remained unlit. So I unplugged the lamp completely and plugged it back in. When I pulled the cord this time, it came on. I had the distinct impression that Bryan was "messing" with me … I chuckled and spoke a few words to him. The light has not gone out again and I can’t get it to go out unless I pull the cord.

Amberly was in the kitchen tonight and was lamenting to Kelly about not "hearing from Bryan" today. She looked up toward heaven and said "Where are you Beans? I need you to give me a sign you are here!" or something close to that. A second later, as she walked across the kitchen, she suddenly jumped like she was shocked. She said that she had gotten a weird sensation of something sweeping across her head and down her back … made her shiver. She literally jumped! Kelly and I both saw it .  Amberly told Bryan that she didn’t like him doing that but it was exactly the kind of thing he would do to get her attention after her comment to him.

While on his walk today, Mike felt that Bryan wanted him to call Chad and invite him to the funeral service on Tuesday.  Since we didn't have Bryan's ashes as the memorial service, we are having a special funeral service for him on Tuesday to lay his ashes to rest.  Bryan wanted his friend Chad to have a personal invitation which we, of course, did for him.

Saturday, January 17

Tonight when I turned on the computer, I went to bring up network places and the only thing that came up was a folder "family on Bryan" ... there is no such folder in any of our computers. A few seconds later, it flickered and the correct network places showed up. I couldn't find this "family on Bryan" folder anywhere. I felt in my heart that Bryan was telling me he was here with me.

Sunday, January 18

This morning, in the tub, I realized suddenly that I had forgotten to take off my pendant that holds Bryan‘s ashes. I immediately jumped up and began drying it and apologizing to Bryan for getting it wet. I heard his voice clearly laughing at me and telling me not to worry, that he loved that jacuzzi tub and wanted one last time in it. In life, Bryan really did love the jacuzzi tub and used it frequently, so this made perfect sense to me. It gave me a chuckle and an immediate sense of peace and relief. This type of thing is so typical of him that I knew it was his way of communicating with me this morning.

Today, driving to work, it was overcast and cloudy. At one point, the clouds opened and the sun shone brightly right in my side window on me ... I felt Bryan's presence and the words on the cd at that exact moment were Clay's Measure of a Man "Would he give his life up to be all he can?" I felt strongly that he was telling me he had given up his life for a higher purpose. The message was very clear and a feeling of peace and love came over me.

Tonight, Mike, Amberly, my mom, Lori, Sherry & Mike went to Atria’s for dinner. As I sat down, I felt a strong message from Bryan telling me to look for butterflies, that he was with us. I looked all around the restaurant and couldn’t find anything with butterflies on it, so I dismissed it as my imagination running away with me. Yet I still felt Bryan’s presence and that he was "with" us as we ate. Lori went to the restroom and when she came back, she said, "You have to go in the ladies’ room. You won’t believe it! The entire room is covered in butterflies!" Then I told them the message I had gotten from Bryan when I first sat down. Again, that warm feeling came over me and I knew exactly that it was him. I just wish I had vocalized what I heard when I first came in … although the feeling we all had was enough to validate the occurrence.

Monday, January 19

As I drove in to work today, twice the sun broke through the clouds in a tiny spot and shone directly into my eyes. Both times I felt strongly that it was Bryan reaching out to me. The sun was not out full, just a small ray that was so bright and strong it hurt my eyes. And it was coming directly in my side window. The feeling you get when it happens just lets you KNOW that it is a message. And it warmed my heart and made me smile.

At my store today, Ruthie was there and we were reminiscing about Bryan. He had worked there with her a few weeks ago and she was relaying to me things he said and did. While we were talking about him, a pair of lamps near where we were standing began blinking on and off repeatedly. We both started to laugh and I acknowledged that it was Bryan. This went on for quite a while and stopped when we began to get busy and do other things. During the afternoon, this happened again and again when she and I were near the lamps. At one point, another friend of mine (Frank) was there and they were flashing so fast it was like a strobe light. Frank had come to Bryan’s viewing and was asking about him and how I was doing. I told him Bryan is always around me and gives me so many signs … like the lights. Frank said, "I wondered what was going on with those lights. Those lights have been here for a year and I never saw them do that before!" I was telling him how Bryan can do that with lights. I told him that if I don’t acknowledge him, Bryan will simply turn off the light completely. Just when I said that, the two lamps turned off and stayed off. I laughed and said to Frank, "Like that!" About 10 seconds later, they came back on.

When I got into the store today, I turned on the lights and the two lamps (same ones that were flashing above) did not come on. I tried wiggling the switch and nothing. I laughed and said hi to Bryan. To make them come on, I had to reset the surge protector.

Debbie told me tonight that she was really missing Bryan the other night and feeling bad because everyone else was getting signs from him and she felt left out. A bit later that night, she went to fold a stack of towels and the very first towel she picked up had a butterfly on it! It was a towel she didn’t even recognize and she immediately felt Bryan’s connection to her and It brought a smile to her. She KNEW Bryan had acknowledged her in his special way.

Sherry was receiving several messages from Bryan today. One was that he wanted everyone to be happy tomorrow at his funeral service.  He wanted everyone to dress casual, no black, and celebrate his resurrection. He told her he is happy and this was the best thing that ever happened to him in his entire life. He wants all of us to be happy for him and wear happy colors. He specifically told her to tell me not to wear my black leather jacket but something "new and blue that he liked on me." I felt this meant the new blue coat Mike bought me for Christmas ... and so I will.

Tuesday, January 20

This morning we had Bryan’s funeral service at the church. After we said our prayers, we released 24 balloons in his memory: 22 white ones and 2 blues ones symbolizing his blue eyes. The day was bright and sunny and the balloons went straight up toward the sun. We watched for about 10 minutes and the balloons spread out … all except the two blue ones. Those two stayed together all the way out of sight and we all felt that Bryan’s blue eyes were looking back on us and smiling. I felt his joy and happiness all through me throughout the morning. He is truly happy in heaven.

This afternoon, I received a card in the mail from Citte (remember she is the one who sent the orchid with the blue butterflies on the 14th) ... she lives in Los Angeles.  After she had sent us the orchid, I had called her and told her that she had been used by Bryan to deliver a sign to us.  She was pleased about it but a bit skeptical that Bryan had actually used her to send a sign.  But that was all changed now ... enclosed with the card was a large picture from the L.A. Times showing a butterfly that had fallen to the ground. The family who found it was a father, daughter and younger son (Mike, Amberly & Cris??). Both the father and son were named Bryan … spelled with a "y" instead of an "I". Her note read:

"We spoke on the phone on the 15th (about the butterfly incident). On the 16th, I open up the L.A. Times and here is this picture … no story, just this big picture. Note the name Bryan: not once, but twice. It’s an unusual way of spelling it. It’s usually Brian. I gather this was my "Back at ya!" sign -- just in case I had any doubts …"

Thursday, January 22

We have been placing all of the sympathy cards we receive in Bryan’s room. This morning, when I went into his room, there was a card lying on the floor. When I picked it up, I noticed that it had a butterfly on the front. It was a card we received yesterday and neither Amberly, Mike, or I remembered receiving a card with a butterfly on the front. And with all the butterfly incidents, we felt we would have remembered this. Strange …

When Marge was driving to work today, she was thinking of Bryan. The program from his memorial service slid across her dashboard and fell to her feet. At that same moment, she noticed the song playing on the radio was a Leonard Skynyrd song about heroin addiction. She felt Bryan was trying to give her a message but wasn’t sure exactly how to interpret it. I told her I felt he was simply acknowledging the fact that she was thinking of him … sort of his "Hi!" from heaven.

Friday, January 23

When Marge was driving to work today, the program from Bryan’s memorial service -- which she had placed under the visor after yesterday’s incident -- fell into her lap. Again, she felt it was Bryan communicating with her.

Saturday, January 24

At work today, when I opened the mail, there was a card from a friend of Bryan's from Delaware.  The entire card was about a butterfly and on the front was a beautiful blue butterfly.  Bryan is finding many ways of sending us this symbol which I know is his way of telling us he is thinking of us and is OK.  

Sunday, January 25

During church this morning, Father Ken White was the visiting pastor.   He began his sermon by saying he was going to use some visual aids.   He reached down and pulled up a HUGE stuffed lion and a little lamb.   He mentioned the Lion King and Amberly and I both immediately felt it was a sign from Bryan since his favorite song was "Lion Sleeps Tonight" from the Lion King.   We both got a smile on our face.   I knew Amberly was needing a sign from Bryan this morning and I was asking Bryan in church to give her a sign ... this was the perfect answer.  She had a tear in her eye when she looked at me.

Immediately after the service, as we were leaving the parking lot, there was a hawk right on the side of the road.   As we turned out of the parking lot, the hawk lifted off and with full wings spread, flew off toward the trees.   Amberly and I both told Mike, "There's the hawk you were asking him to show you!"   (Note: this was a fortuitous moment ... the hawk has since become one of the strongest signs Bryan gives us!)

Monday, January 26

This morning I went into Bryan's room as I do every morning ... to say a prayer and tell him Good Morning.  He kept a Pirates baseball hat hanging on the top of one of his windows.  Today, it was on the floor by his bed.  Last night at bedtime, it was hanging where it belongs and this morning it was down.  There is no possible way that anything could have bumped it or moved it during the night ... it's been hanging there for more than a year.  Today it was on the floor.  I feel Bryan puts these things -- like the card the other morning -- on the floor where they'll be noticed as a sign.  Darlene had the similar thing happen in the morning with the butterfly magnet.  The feeling you get when these things happen is just an immediate recognition of the message he is trying to give you and a warm sense of connecting.  Good morning, Bryan!

Tonight Amberly and I were watching TV and she was really missing Bryan. She was asking him to give her a sign that he was around and with us. Soon after, two things happened that we both felt were from him. The first was a Lion King commercial (this is being symbolic for him to use ... due to the "Lion Sleeps Tonight" song, Bryan uses the lion and Lion King movie as his sign). The second was that in the show we were watching, one of the people called her friend "Anna Banana". Bryan called his friend in Delaware Anna Banana and Amberly had just spoken to her on the phone yesterday. And Anna had just signed Bryan's guestbook!

Tuesday, January 27

So many things have happened today! The first thing is that Lori was here cleaning and noticed that two cards from Bryan's dresser were on the floor ... and not near the dresser. We have all the sympathy cards we have received set up on the dresser, desk, and other pieces of furniture around the room. They have been there for weeks and normally they do not "fall" on the floor. She picked them up and placed them back on the dresser. When we arrived home, she told us how strange she thought this was. Amber and I went up to his room and could not believe our eyes. On one dresser, ALL of the cards were lying down and on the large dresser, several cards were knocked over in various spots. I immediately had the feeling that Bryan was there and had been "reading" the cards. I told Amberly this and she commented that "why would he leave them like that?" I told her that he would do that to leave a sign for us that he was there. A few minutes later, Nessa (Amberly's little Papillon dog) came into the room and began acting very, very strangely. She was whimpering and staring at the top of the dresser ... from the side and from the front. She was fixated on the dresser and even started standing up on her hind legs like she will do when she wants you to pick her up. Except there was no one there ... at least no one that we could see. But SHE was seeing something and she was crying and carrying on and her eyes would not leave that spot. I finally went and picked her up and held her over the top of the dresser. Her nose went crazy loudly sniffing the area and her tail was wagging like mad. She definitely sensed something there and we know it was Bryan! When I put her down, she "followed" him across the room to his computer chair and again tried to get him to lift her up. All the while she was whimpering at him. Then she went back to the dresser and went underneath and began "playing" with him ... she would hide under furniture and if you tried to reach her paws, she would playfully jump away from you. This is what she was doing but there was no one there! Except we know that Bryan WAS there and was playing with her. She was able to see his spirit. This entire episode lasted about 10 - 15 minutes. When his spirit finally left, she calmed down and went back to normal. The cards were set up again and remained in place the rest of the day. When Nessa went back into the room with us tonight, she paid no attention to the dresser at all ... of course, why should she? Bryan wasn't there then. This was a very strong visit from him and one we all felt. It was absolutely amazing!

All the while today while Lori was cleaning, she was hearing and humming the song "Patience" by Guns & Roses. When she left our house and got into her car, she was really missing Bryan and feeling sad that he would not be here this weekend for the twins' birthday party. She began to cry and was telling him how much she missed him and loved him. She then turned on her radio and the first song that came on the radio was Patience by Guns & Roses. She knew Bryan was acknowledging her feelings and letting her know he heard her and that he was OK and would be here for the party if only in spirit. She said she got that overwhelming feeling of peace and joy and it made her feel so much better. She was thrilled that he had sent her a message. But it goes on ...

When she called us to tell us what had occurred, Amberly went onto the internet to download the song to hear it. The username of the person she was downloading the song from was "ghetto fabulous" ... this totally blew her away because that phrase was one that she and Bryan used all the time with each other ... everything was "ghetto fabulous!" to them. She knew Bryan was using this as a message to her that he saw what she was doing and loved her.

Jessica had a dream last night where Bryan visited her. In the dream, she and Chad were back in school and they saw Bryan walking toward them. She began to cry because she knew Bryan was gone. Bryan walked up to them and smiled and said, "I'm OK ... I'm OK ..." and then walked away. She awoke feeling that the dream felt "real" and that Bryan had actually paid her a visit.

Tonight, Ric went to play poker with some of Bryan's friends and Amberly went along to observe. She ended up being asked to deal a hand late in the game. She was dealing 7 card stud, 2 down, 4 up.  Here is her version of what happened next:

" I dealt the two down and everyone bet.  Then I dealt the first round face up and Ric got the Q of Hearts, next round he got the J of Hearts, next round he got the 10 of Hearts, then the 9 of Hearts.  Everyone was like NO WAY he has the 8 or the K - so the betting was NUTS.  The final card I dealt was the K of Diamonds to Ric.  One of the fellows cheered and grabbed for the pot.  Ric said, "Not so fast man!" and flipped up the K of Hearts!!!!!!  That was the first card dealt to him AND I had just told him the K of Hearts story this afternoon.   That NEVER happens  and if I didn't personally deal those cards I would NEVER have believed it, I would have thought the deck was set - ya know?! My uncle Mike plays ALL the time.  He has played over 100,000 games and has NEVER seen anything like that happen.  Dealt IN order!  There were 5 people at the table, so each of the cards were 5 apart!  We both knew immediately that Beans was there ... You could FEEL it.  I needed it SO much.  I was sad the day before.  And there is No denying that ... "

Thursday, January 29

This morning when I awoke, the song "Green, Green Grass of Home" by Tom Jones was going through my head. This annoyed me no end because I really hate that song! But it was so persistent and I couldn't make it stop even after trying to sing other songs to get it out. Finally, I went on the internet and looked up the lyrics because I felt strongly Bryan was trying to get a message to me through this song. When I read the lyrics, two of the verses were about a girl named Mary. I immediately connected this to my mother, Mary, who had been a fan of Tom Jones years ago. Calling her, I told her I felt Bryan was trying to reach her through me with a message that he loved her and missed her. She then told me that last night, she was looking at his pictures and trying to write something for his guestbook and feeling very sad and missing him so much. She was hoping to receive a sign from him but didn't get anything she could pinpoint. Well, I guess he had to use me to give her the sign she was looking for! As soon as I relayed this message, the song in my head stopped, so I guess I got it right ;-).

Today as I was heading to work, as I passed the church where Bryan is buried, Mike was in his car coming toward me as he was heading home from the store. We waved to one another and at that exact instant, a hawk flew across my window about 10 feet above my car and flew over toward the church where Bryan is. I could not believe my eyes! I knew Bryan was saying "hello" to his Dad and me and is now using the hawk to communicate with us.

Friday, January 30

Today I awoke with the old Spinners tune "I'll be Around" going through my head.

Whenever you call me, I'll be there
Whenever you want me, I'll be there
Whenever you need me, I'll be there
I'll be around

This morning, Amberly was telling me about a dream she had last night where Bryan "visited" her. As she was talking, she heard the phone in the computer room upstairs ringing. This is an extra line that we have that is only for the computer ... it never rings, it's not published or listed anywhere, and I don't even know the number. Anyway, it had been ringing for quite some time. We both ignored it for several more minutes and then I had to go upstairs for something. She asked me if I was going to answer the phone and I jokingly said, "Maybe it's Bryan calling from heaven." By this time, it had been ringing for about 5 minutes. This has NEVER happened before ... this phone never rings. As I picked it up and said "Hello", I could hear an open line ... no one answered. I yelled hello twice more and could hear faint music playing in the background. I began to get a really weird feeling as I strained to hear the song ... and it was Sting's song "Every move you make ... every breath you take ... I'll be watching you" ... the same song Darlene had heard from Bryan days ago. I literally could not believe my ears! The hair on the back of my neck stood up and I had goosebumps. The song finished and the sound faded away. I hung up in total disbelief ... I know that somehow Bryan managed to get that message to me.

Marge told me today that she and her daughter, Valerie, had been looking for a birthday card in the store when Valerie noticed a rack of sympathy cards right next to where they were standing. The thing that caught her attention was that almost ALL of the cards on the rack had butterflies on them. When she called her mom's attention to this, something made them count the cards and then count how many had butterflies. There were 17 cards total on the rack -- 14 had butterflies -- a difference of only 3 cards without butterflies. And Bryan's birthday is 3/17! Now what would have made them even THINK to count the cards???? Strange!!! Bryan loves using numbers to get his message across.

Saturday, January 31

Tonight Amberly was in Bryan's room and noticed a piece of paper on his desk that had not been there before. She has been over every item on this desk and knew she had not seen this paper, so she picked it up to see what it was. It turned out to be a lottery ticket dated July 24, 2003 - Cristopher's birthday! How this got there we have no idea as we have been through the items on this desk a dozen or more times and there's not that much on there to start with! We immediately felt it was Bryan's way of wanting us to tell Cris he was thinking of him and missing him.

Tonight, Amberly got together with Bryan's friends again. Ric was playing around with a deck of cards, splitting the deck and trying to "call" which card would show. Naturally, he picked the King of Hearts. The first time he tried, he got the Jack of Hearts. Laughing, he said, "Close, but not good enough!" On his second try, the King of Hearts came up! It was like Bryan was trying to get it and missed the first time but came through the second time. Then Ric decided to further experiment and after shuffling, started going through the deck card by card waiting for the "feeling" that he was at the King of Hearts. At a certain point, he felt he had it and when he turned it up, it was the King of Hearts! He counted the position of the card from the top of the deck and it was the 23rd card -- Bryan's age!

Quick Jump Links:

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

2005

2006

2007

2008

2009

2010

2011

2012

2013 and Beyond

Note:  If you have a story or experience with Bryan, please email it to me and I will add it to his journal.  These incidents have given our family great peace and joy in knowing that Bryan is still with us, if only in spirit, and will live forever in our hearts.

Copyright © CompuTrends^™